My Way or the Highway

maintain energy boundaries with difficult peopleJennifer Hoffman – July opened with a big energy surge and this week is going to see another one with a powerful full moon on July 13 that recalls the strong aspects we had from January through March 2020. This is a reckoning of sorts, on individual and global levels.

On the personal level, it is a chance to re-establish our energetic sovereignty and switch timelines from karma to creation, from 3D to 5D, from the victimhood of our CORE karmic energies to a karma-free life, self empowered life.

On the global level, we are seeing unity in thought and community in purpose, connection and collaboration, co-operation for a shared result and the expanded awakening that is bringing our consciousness into awareness and our collective focus on our energetic sovereignty and the expansion of light and truth.

This is not a simple switch and it’s going to involve drama, trauma, and possibly manipulation, blame, shame, guilt, and the threat of rejection, abandonment, betrayal, and other dire consequences. Fact is your karmic partners are ‘energy borrowers’ and they do not want you to cut off their supply. So they’ll adopt a ‘my way or the highway’ ultimatum stand to force you to do what they want. What do you do? Let’s talk about it in this week’s newsletter.

This podcast and article are about the people who manipulate, blame, shame, intimidate, and issue ultimatums to you to get you to do what they want. Everyone has this kind of person in their life or has an experience of them. They are impossible to deal with, they cause drama, trauma, and chaos, they refuse to consider anyone else’s needs or position and they can be very mean when they do not get their way. Their ‘my way or the highway’ attitude lets you know that they only value you to the extent you are useful to them and your needs do not matter at all and especially not more than theirs.

But you do have options and solutions so let’s talk about the my way or the highway people in your life, what they can teach you, and how to remove them and their influence from your life.

Why is this important to you and what does it have to do with spirituality, energy, congruence, and energetic sovereignty, topics that you usually hear me speak and write about? Because these people and situations are your biggest, most frustrating, and most obsessive energy drains.

They are your energetic black holes, where you pour energy into their abyss of needs, hoping for a transformation.

They are your biggest emotional black holes, where you have so much emotional energy invested in the outcomes you want and the connections and transformations you want to happen that they trigger you into saying and doing things that are not in your best interests or your highest good.

Understanding the process of aggressive ultimatums and people and situations that have the potential to create so much drama, trauma, and chaos in your life is your first step into unraveling the energetic and karmic ties that bind you to them.

What do you do when you try hard to please someone and no matter what you do they refuse to see things your way or to compromise with their position? They want their way, no matter what and they want you to honor their path, fears, desires, and needs no matter how outrageous or difficult they are or how much it costs you in terms of time, energy, or emotions. No matter how many times you tell them you are not available, it is inconvenient for you, you simply cannot do what they want, they ignore your protests and act as if you said yes.

They are a basket of needs, steamrolling through your life, upsetting your plans, and status quo, demanding that you make them a priority in every situation. They must always be the center of attention, at the forefront of every consideration, and you must be willing to drop everything and respond to their whims. Or you must give them what they ask for or want, no matter how inconvenient it is, you do not want to, or it just will not work for them.

I’m not exaggerating here because these kinds of people do exist and you may have known one or more of them in your life. In fact, you may know a few of them right now. They can be anyone – family, friends, your children, your partner, husband, or wife. They can be a manager or boss or another employee at work. They can be a customer in your business. It’s always ‘my way or the highway’ with them and you seem to have no way to escape their overpowering energy and incessant demands.

In every discussion with them you are at an impasse and you have to make a choice that you don’t want to make—to tell them ‘no’, and then deal with the consequences of their anger, which can be very unpleasant. People who have a strong ‘my way or the highway’ manner of getting things done and using people do not tend to be very compromising.

Or you can say yes, do what they ask and then be angry with yourself and regret your choice for a long time. Have you ever done that? Of course you have. Then later, in moments of anger and self criticism, you will have imaginary conversations with them where you tell them what you really think or what you did not think of at the time, or what you would have said if you just had the courage. We’ve all had those, do not be embarrassed at the thought.

Or you can choose the ‘passive no’ and just walk away, pretend you didn’t hear them, ignore them, and move on. Is this the path of least resistance? Not really but it is the path of least terror, trauma, drama, and chaos, at least initially. Of course there is a risk that they will cut you out of their life (which may actually be a good thing) or that they will get their revenge and what they want one way or another.

What is going on here? Why do we have these kinds of people in our life and what can we do about the situation? They are in your life to teach you lessons about energy boundaries, self awareness, energetic sovereignty, and making choices about who is in your life, keep that in mind. You did choose them as part of your life journey, there is no one else to blame for their presence but while they are present, they do not have to be overbearing or take up all of the space in your life.

You can control them and how you allow their behavior in your life and that starts with understanding and acceptance. No, acceptance doesn’t mean you have to put up with it. Acceptance means you accept that they choose to behave this way and that choice has nothing to do with you, except until you stop encouraging them they will not stop.

Ignoring them is one option but what if they are someone in your family, that you have to see or talk to often or occasionally, or it is someone in your life that you have to deal with regularly?

Does anyone you know use ‘my way or the highway’ ultimatums to get you to do what you want? Does that include guilt and shame? Do they withhold their approval, connection, and love if you do not meet their needs? My way or the highway ultimatums do not include any options for you – if you say no there will be retaliation. Remember how I have been saying that we make choices based on the consequences we are willing to live with? Well, this is one of those times. And your ‘my way or the highway’ people are not subtle about what they want, there is no question that they are forcing you into a very narrow space with no options.

There are a variety of strategies you can use to deal with these people and we will talk about a few of them but the first thing is to understand their motives and motivation, their reasons for being like this and that gives you the empowerment and knowledge you need to reclaim your time, energy, and power.

While you may be thinking about personal relationships in your life, this happens in every relationship and in many life situations, including work.

Let me share one of my worst experiences of ‘my way or the highway’ energy in my corporate career.

I remember a co-worker who had a ‘my way or the highway’ attitude when I worked in a telecom company. I had been asked to support another department to manage a big project that required my level of expertise. I was selected by the CEO, CFO and VP of IT specifically because I had the level of experience and expertise they needed for this project that impacted most of the customer base, compromised of several million people, needed to be built and delivered correctly with no margin for error, and they both knew I would get the job done because I had done these kinds of projects before.

But there was a junior manager in that department who decided she should have the job and decided that she would not work with me. Instead, she would undermine my every effort until I was fired or removed from the project and replaced by her.

She did not have the experience, knowledge, know-how, or expertise to manage the project. But that did not matter to her, she wanted to title, exposure, and the rewards.

She challenged me at every meeting, did her best to sabotage the project, discredited me to team members, and criticized everything I did. I did my best to be as inclusive as possible, to give her an opportunity to participate, share at team meetings, and recognized her progress and her successes.

But nothing worked because it was a ‘my way or the highway’ situation, and the only thing that would resolve it, in her mind, was for her to replace me on the project.

Over the course of several weeks her actions got more aggressive and ridiculous until one day she entered a meeting room a few minutes ahead of me where my project team was gathered and locked me out of the meeting. I could see into the room through the glass partition and everyone was seated at the table, with her at the head, looking smug and satisfied.

My team looked horrified as I knocked on the door and she ignored me, refusing to open the door to let me in. My team tried to intervene but she just got angry, so I walked away. Instead of sulking or being angry, I went to my desk and called the senior executives who were in charge of the project, told them what was going on and that they needed to act or the project would fail and I was ready to leave because I could not work under these circumstances.

Within 10 minutes after I got off the phone two of the company security officers came to my desk and asked me where the meeting was. They took her out of the room, marched her to her desk where she was given 5 minutes to clear it out, and she was walked out of the building. She was fired on the spot. Her ‘my way or the highway’ plan got her a one way ticket on the highway to a new job and career.

Of course everyone talked about it for days and everyone knew why she got fired. But the team was relieved because she had been such a disruptive influence that we spent more time dealing with her tantrums and criticisms than we did managing the project. Without her, the project proceeded smoothly and it was successful.

Now there isn’t always someone you can call to remove your ‘my way or the highway’ person but there are things that you can do to minimize the fallout and to stop them from disrupting your life. Let’s talk about that in a moment. Let’s look at this situation from a different perspective.

Maybe you are that person, feeling that you have to defend your place in life against everyone else and things have to go your way or not at all. Everyone in your life presents a challenge to your freedom and energy and you feel you must always assert yourself to ensure that your needs are met because the only alternative is that they will not be met. You will be ignored, rejected, and cast aside. Maybe no one ever made you feel relevant, significant, and important. Maybe no one ever listened to you, treated you respectfully, and gave your needs consideration.

This doesn’t begin when you are an adult; it gets carried over from childhood. A lifetime of feeling unimportant and insignificant starts with parents who do not have time for you, who are not engaged and involved, and who do not listen to you. I remember once when I was shopping in Costco with my daughter, who is a child psychologist. We could hear a child screaming loudly all through the store. The screaming went on for a while and I commented on how loud it was and wondered what was wrong with that child who we eventually saw and who looked to be around 4 years old. My daughter replied, ‘that is a child whose needs are never met.’

We face power struggles in our life every day and sometimes we have to decide between several unappealing choices. But we can only see it from our perspective and we don’t see what is really going on with the other person. What do they want when it’s ‘their way or the highway?’ What are they afraid of? What needs do they have that are not being met in their life? Why do they have to put their needs above everyone else’s?

People who are very determined to get their way may be loud, angry, confrontational and even rude but at their core they are so afraid their needs won’t be met that they feel the only way to do that is to force everyone around them to comply. And because they are loud and angry when they don’t get their way, many people do what they ask to avoid the hassle of trying to reason with them.

If we look at the difficult people in our lives a little more closely, the ones with a ‘my way or the highway’ attitude, we can see that they are very needy and are desperate for approval and attention. At some point in their life they did not get the love they wanted in the way they wanted it and they are going to ensure that they get it now.

As far as they are concerned, everyone in their life is a source of meeting their needs. And that includes you, if you are part of their circle.

What do you do?

How can you meet their needs and maintain your boundaries?

Now I am not advocating for you to start treating them like royalty and giving them everything they want, all the time. I am saying that if you understand where their behavior comes from it makes it much easier to address from a detached perspective and stay in your own energy field rather than getting angry and letting that anger fester in you for a long time.

I was angry with my co-worker at first but then realized she saw this project differently than I did. For her it was a chance to shine, to flaunt her stuff to company executives, to further her career. For me it was an important project that I was asked to do and I was flattered by the request and honored to be chosen. I also knew that my team would be a big part of the effort so I engaged with them at every opportunity. This was not a time for ‘my way or the highway’ antics, it was time to participate and work together to get something done.

These my way or the highway situations represent two of our most important life lessons –lessons in acceptance and lessons in energy boundaries.

As I said before, lessons in acceptance mean that we are to accept that these are not random behavior choices, they are intentional and deliberate. So the person who is rude, imposes themselves on you, and demands your time, energy, and attention is doing it on purpose or more succinctly, they are doing it for their purpose.

This changes the dynamics of your response. You can be accommodating and even helpful to someone who doesn’t realize what they are doing. But this is not the case so it’s time to bring out lesson number 2 in a big, important, and noticeable way, our energy boundaries.

Now energy boundaries are something I have talked about for many years. They are the foundation of the empowerment, ascension, and transformation into High Vibes Living® work that I teach because they, like your connection to your Angels and Spirit Guides and your intuition, are basic tools for navigating your life in a powerful, intentional way that allows you to lead with awareness instead of reaction, where you can be free of energy drains and energy ‘borrowers’, and feel fulfilled instead of compromised and manipulated.

So here are some strategies to respond to the ‘my way or the highway’ people in your life:

1. Never think that saying yes once is the end of it, it is just the beginning. So choose your yes carefully and clearly communicate that this is your choice but it is a one-time deal.

2. Expect to be manipulated, coerced, lied to, and if they don’t get what they want, to be at the receiving end of some unpleasantness and even revenge. Be prepared for that as an outcome when you start affirming your energy boundaries.

3. Do not feel sorry for these people or try to change their behavior. Remember the lessons in acceptance. They see everything you do as a sign of weakness that can be exploited. Accept that this is their intentional and purpose-driven behavior and then decide what is best for you.

4. Expect to have to say no and affirm your energy boundaries more than once, they are not likely to respect your word without trying to get you to change your mind.

5. It is not personal so do not take it personally. Remember people who are ‘my way or the highway’ people, who insist on getting their way, being first, using all of your time, energy, and effort, who want their needs met all of the time, do it for their own reasons that have nothing to do with you.

6. Re-read the part about lessons in acceptance and tell yourself that you accept their behavior and do not try to change them. That is a huge mistake because thinking that if you are nice enough, cooperative enough, or do enough for them they will stop asking you or they will stop being so bossy, manipulative, and insistent. They won’t. Accept their behavior and learn to put strong energy boundaries in place.

Lessons in energy boundaries often involve people who stretch our boundaries to their limit. Can we maintain our boundaries under pressure? Every situation provides a variety of choices, even with the loudest, most demanding people. We can give in because we don’t want to face their anger or we can look at their neediness and respond in a way that addresses their needs without doing something we do not want to do.

And we can realize that we can’t make everyone happy and if they are not willing to compromise then we need to look at ourselves and the kind of people we are attracting.

If we have made it a habit to give in to them, it may take a few times for them to understand that the terms of the game have changed and we are no longer going to say ’Yes’ to everything they want. We may have to be willing to put up with a little anger and resentment and that is where we back down because we establish our boundaries and then want everyone to agree with them. They may not and probably won’t. And sometimes they will resent us for it. But that’s OK because it’s not about one person winning and the other losing, it is about compromise and you are not the person who must always compromise your position or yourself to meet someone else’s needs.

But we take that to mean that we are wrong, our energy boundaries are unacceptable or we are being selfish and are not doing enough to help others. Everyone has needs they think are important. When those needs aren’t met they become afraid and strike out at the person they think isn’t meeting them. Is that our responsibility? It can be if we take it on but we do have a choice.

That is when we can take a good look at what we do to avoid challenges and, more importantly our level of responsibility to others.

We can take on the responsibility for solving others’ problems and meeting their needs or realize that everyone is powerful, we all have the same source of power and we choose how we use our power in our lives. By thinking that others are powerless we take on the responsibility for their life and then offer our power to them. The greatest gift we can give to others is to see them as powerful and to recognize their inner power. Whether they can make the connections to it is their responsibility. And we can step aside and let them do that in their own time.

We’re in challenging times and we have had and will continue to have many opportunities to create strong energy boundaries and your ‘my way or the highway’ connections will teach you all about energy boundaries. These are not necessarily to keep others out, although they can do that, but to help us manage our own energy. Who are we always doing things for, whose needs do we put above our own, who is the priority in our life?

Any area where this is a question is an area where you can be sure to get a lesson in creating energy boundaries that honor you and allow you to always act in integrity with your priorities, your self and you own needs.

You can help others but not by assuming responsibility for their happiness or meeting their needs no matter how insistent they are or how many ultimatums they issue.

Instead, they are in your life to help you create and maintain strong energy boundaries, to learn lessons in self empowerment and self awareness, and to teach you how to stay in your own energy field, manage your energy, and learn to accept their behavior and make your own choices.

And the people who approach who with a ‘my way or the highway’ attitude can be invited to sit down with you at the compromise table or you can send them down their highway, bless them and tell them to enjoy the trip.

Copyright (c) 2022 by Jennifer Hoffman. All rights reserved.

SF Source Enlightening Life Jul 2022

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